worry wart.

'don't worry, it will only make things worse'
Words that I wish I could follow. No matter how hard I try I will always worry. I think it's just the way I'm built. It's just the way my mind works. While I don't let the worry consume my entire world like I used to, it still happens daily.
I worry about the big things.
I worry about the little things.

At 4 a.m. I was up worrying for a while after getting Lo back to sleep. Not about her, but about the boy. Something I haven't felt the need to do in a while.
I think the poor kid ended up inheriting my 'worry gene'.
He does a great job masking this worry but yesterday I saw it start to bubble to the surface at the open house for his new school. Middle school. He shut down and refused to explain his silence for a while. Once he let it out I was reminded of himself at his age.
He worries that he is just different and worried how the kids will react.
oh man, I know those feelings he is dealing with. Something that I've personally fought with since I can remember and something I never wished for my kids to have to fight with.
I want to hold him and tell him that different is what makes him amazing.
It's those differences that I love about him. What sets him apart and makes him Ash.
Our boy would rather build a 1000 piece Lego set instead of playing hours of video games.
Our boy still enjoys a Disney or 80's movie night on the couch with us.
Our boy loves to camp, kayak, rock climb, and just be outside.
Our boy understands people and has more empathy than many adults I know.
Our boy is sensitive and cares so deeply about things that don't matter to most kids his age.

There's another side to this all with Ash. Many of the differences he has with other kids are because the choices Lindsey and I have made for him.
We're strict. I'm aware of this and make zero apologizes for it.


There are a lot rules in our house but we also have so much fun.
Sometimes I feel like our little family has created our own little world and I am very happy living in this little world. Then I feel like we have made it difficult for Ash.
Parenting is hard.
Parenting a kid that reminds me so much of myself makes it even harder.

thirty

It's been a few months but I recently have came to the realization that I'm THIRTY. This big birthday happened four days after Lo was born so it wasn't something that was in the forefront of my attention at the time. Now it's starting to sink in and I'm strangely comforted by it.

My twenties were crazy.
The first five years were a tornado of screwed up relationships, emotional issues, and screwing up time and time again. I was a single mom, living in my hometown where there was no real place for me. Struggling daily to figure out life in general. Spending so much time blaming everyone in the world for my problems and letting the world fall apart anytime something didn't go well.
The last five were spent learning to fall in love with life and finally becoming secure. In 2012 I moved to a liberal bubble in the northwest corner of a very red state. Fell in love with a girl I met online-- the girl I ended up marrying. First couple of years we struggled, well I struggled. With learning that I'm worth loving.

Now at the start of my thirties I'm ready to dive into this new chapter of my life.
I want to be the bad-ass I've always hoped and wanted to be.
No more excuses or guilt.
Live this life for myself, my wife and our beautiful kiddos.
I plan to create a world where happiness and creativity are always at the top of my list of to dos.