thirty

It's been a few months but I recently have came to the realization that I'm THIRTY. This big birthday happened four days after Lo was born so it wasn't something that was in the forefront of my attention at the time. Now it's starting to sink in and I'm strangely comforted by it.

My twenties were crazy.
The first five years were a tornado of screwed up relationships, emotional issues, and screwing up time and time again. I was a single mom, living in my hometown where there was no real place for me. Struggling daily to figure out life in general. Spending so much time blaming everyone in the world for my problems and letting the world fall apart anytime something didn't go well.
The last five were spent learning to fall in love with life and finally becoming secure. In 2012 I moved to a liberal bubble in the northwest corner of a very red state. Fell in love with a girl I met online-- the girl I ended up marrying. First couple of years we struggled, well I struggled. With learning that I'm worth loving.

Now at the start of my thirties I'm ready to dive into this new chapter of my life.
I want to be the bad-ass I've always hoped and wanted to be.
No more excuses or guilt.
Live this life for myself, my wife and our beautiful kiddos.
I plan to create a world where happiness and creativity are always at the top of my list of to dos.

rewrite all the rules.

There is a set of rules that seem to be ingrained into girls while growing up. This is at no fault of her parents, it just happens. Parents aren't the only ones to 'blame' either. The world in a whole seems to have a set a rules girls are supposed to follow.
An order in which life is supposed to happen.
A way someone is supposed to live.

Well that's not the way my life has gone and for far too long I tortured myself because of it.
I felt like a wasn't doing life right because I wasn't living by these rules.

• I had a kid way before I should have.
• Stop and started school more times than I should admit.
• Threw myself into worthless relationships for years before I figured out I'm actually pretty gay.
• Being gay in general.

This is just the start of my list of what I didn't do 'right'.


I'm done kicking myself and have decided to not break these rules but to rewrite them.
Live the life that makes me happy and forgive myself along the way.
Rewrite all the rules that have pulled me into a place that I was never happy with myself.

seven weeks of learning.

Yesterday marked seven weeks since our family of three became a family of four. It's been a beautiful and messy transition and I think we are beginning to find our footing. Some days are much easier than others and those days make the tough days so much better.

Lo is finding her voice, and becoming cuter every single day. Her entrance into the world was so amazing and magical--another blog for another day. She's no longer a tiny sleeping lump but a bright eyed little wildflower that fights her sleep almost every night that loves her moms so much. I love watching her grow and change but hate knowing that these moments of her being so small are so fleeting.

Dash is settling into being a big brother. I would be lying if I said he fell in love with her the moment he met her, he didn't. For months leading up to her being here I think he was told by countless others that his life would no longer be the same. That scared him--understandably. For the first 10 years of his life he's been the star of show and now he has to share the spotlight. He is learning to love her and I am learning to accept that it is a process for him. 

I truly didn't think i could love my wife anymore than I already did--but I was wrong.
Watching her with Dash always made my heart happy but watching her fall in love with Lo is something new. This little girl has softened her in some ways and also given her a new strength I fall in love with daily.

I am learning a level of patience I never knew was possible.
Learning to slow down, refocus on the things that truly matter and accept the extra help from Lindsey.
Learning to forgive myself on the tough days and be kind to myself.

learning to mom

So the countdown is almost coming to an end. In less than 48 hours we will finally get to meet the daughter that we have been dreaming about for years. To say I'm filled with an avalanche of emotions might be a bit of an understatement. I never saw this happening, I wished for it I hoped for it but never saw it happening.
Which doesn't say too much because there have been so many amazing things that have happened in my life within the past 5 years I never could have predicted.
When I became a mom I was young, naive and an absolute mess. I didn't know how to be a mom and for many years fought against it. Did I love Dash--well yes. So much that it scared me at times. I just had zero idea how to take care of myself as a painfully immature 19 year old so I struggled for years on figuring out how to be a mom. There are many nights I have stayed up filled with so much guilt for not being a good mom when he was younger. For being so selfish and disconnected with how to be a good and loving mom. Wishing so hard to have another chance to be the mom I should have been to him when he was much younger. Now it's here. I'm 10 years older and in some ways 10 years smarter.
It took me a bit longer than I would like to admit how to be a good mom. It took me up heaving our tiny family of two from a dangerous cycle in a tiny town five years ago. It took me leaving everything comfortable and easy behind us to start a new and learn to be myself and learn to be a better mom.
I have been so lucky to find the other half of my heart and in turn to give Dash a better chance at life by giving him more than just myself. My amazing wife didn't just change my world but she changed his and forever I will be grateful for this. I am so proud of this little family we are growing together.

This little girl that's been so busy kicking around in my belly for the past 9 months has already begun to heal the wounds I inflicted on myself. I am so overjoyed to be her Mama.
My life now is so much bigger and beautiful than I ever could have hoped for.
Has it always been easy, not in the least. But damn, it's so beautiful.