Ashlow Creative

life is beautiful and messy and fun now a days. while I love my simple life as super wife and mama sometimes I feel like there is a tiny piece of me that I lost along the way to get to where I am right now. so this is me trying to reclaim it and starting my own little passion project---
Ashlow Creative.

I'm in the starting phases of working on amping up my photography skills and relearning the lessons I was taught long ago by asking for help to rebuild my portfolio. taking pictures and capturing those simple moments is something I've always loved doing in my own bubble so I'm doing something brave and stepping out of this bubble.
I'm going to start tinkering around with graphics again--something I fully regret not diving into when I had the chance.

the goal is after a few months of playing/crafting/diving head first back into this creative project to do the small business thing.

so wish me luck and if you wanna help this lady out PLEASE let me know <3

let's figure out ways to do better everyday y'all

81 days so far.

at the start of each year I am always that obnoxious one who is excited and overly hopeful for what the new year will bring. I make a huge list of goals for the year and always proclaim that THIS YEAR will be the best, better than the rest.
last year was a pretty amazing year--2017 Ash was adopted by Lindsey and legally joined the Stotts club and our family grew with Lo being born in May. While wasn't the easiest year--they never are with such huge shifts in life--it was a beautiful year. I went into 2018 with a huge smile on my face just knowing it would be even better.
well honestly, so far it's been total shit. our little family has been plagued with so many hits that it's getting hard to keep up with them. countless car issues, which has at times left us stranded either at our home or hours away from it, and now we are getting hit by a plague of homeowner issues. I know that these things are not life or death issues. that we are lucky in so many other ways. yet, these things begin to build and cause issues far beyond the realm of cars or basic house issues. this build up starts to weigh heavier and heavier daily.
I've cried a bit more than I would like this year. I've also felt more out of control than I would like.
trying to find the brighter side everyday and laugh my way threw it all.

so this is me right now 81 days into the absolute hell of a year calling a redo--something we do quite often in our house. time to start fresh and just put my head down and handle the shit while still loving this life even on the hardest days.
these moments are quick and I don't want to lose sight.
so tomorrow we will all do better.

first steps.

Last night our sweet Lo took her first REAL steps. Yes, once and a while she would move from one place to another and take a tiny step unassisted while cruising from the couch to her walker/play house/whomever is sitting on the floor with her.
She is freshly 10 months old and it's amazing to me how quickly all these moments are happening for her. That little girl has been diving head first into life from the moment she was born and is teaching me so much more than I will ever teach her.
She took those steps with no fear and with a huge smile painted across her face.
First steps for me are so hard. It's those first few steps often cause me to stumble and not push for the things in life that I actually want. There is only one time I've stumbled through the rough first steps to get what I want and that is why my life is now so different that it used to be. That's why I'm still crazy in love six years later and have the strength to become a better person.
I don't like to stumble, yet I also know that standing still gets you no where.
So I guess time to take another lesson from the smallest in our family and take those small first steps and keep my fingers crossed that it won't take too long to start running.
it's time to do better <3

fun facts.

a few things you might not know about me.

1. about a million years ago I was engaged to and ALMOST married a dude.
it was a big mess when I was 21 and years before I came to the realization I'm pretty gay. a wedding dress was purchased, invitations were printed and it yet it never happened.
we both had tons of issues and in the long run it was 110% for the best for everyone involved.

2. the majority of my childhood--well until I graduated high school--I was a either on stage or working behind it.
my parents got me into local drama classes at our community theater when I was in Kindergarten because I was constantly getting into trouble for talking too much in class. I was then in at least 2 productions a year until I was done with high school. my senior year our high school thespian troupe even traveled to Scotland to perform.

3. I met my now wife online in January 2012 and then moved up here(6 hours away from my hometown) after a handful of dates the next month. yes, very stereotypical and honestly a crazy thing to do. I would never want someone to ask me for starting a relationship advice because I'm very aware of the fact that we are in the minority of how well our crazy start actually working out.

4. I was a cliche hater of all sports until I met my wife and now I'm wishing I could go back into time and possibly focus on sports journalism/management as a possible career. I love college sports although the majority of the games I'm pestering the wife asking her what's going on or I'm talking trash about refs/coaches/something extremely irrelevant to the actual game.

5. when I was growing up there was a long period of time I had the toll house chocolate chip cookie recipe memorized. baking cookies with my dad is one of the things that I miss most about him. I have very vivid memories being in charge of the dry mix and often attempting to tweek the recipe with him.

day two.

well it's day two of this blogging project that I'm pushing myself to do and I'm a little blocked on what to write about.
Do I want to use this to sit once a day and bitch and whine about the little things in life that make me crazy? no.
Do I want to use this to wallow in the past that has formed me into a less than perfect lady? no.
Do I want to find something creative and out of my daily doings to start to pour myself into at least daily? YES!
I need to use this little blog to help rediscover a parts of me that I miss.
So here we go.

growing up I was always the weird kid--or as what some kind souls referred to as 'creative'
I had big dreams of living an out of the box creative life yet here I sit in my house in the suburbs, a stay at home wife writing on a make shift desk (laundry basket upside down) and soak up a little alone time while the babe sleeps.
working towards pushing myself to be more of the person I want to be is really freaking hard yall.

day one.

It's early Sunday morning and I'm strangely alone. The kids and the wife are still sleeping and I'm sipping warm coffee while enjoying the calm and watching some You-tube videos that just send my wanderlust into overdrive-- The Bucket List Family

So the root of the issue of why I'm writing this. It's become pretty obvious to myself and my amazing wife that I've been struggling a little extra lately. Anxiety has been more of an issue since our little Lo was born and as hard as I just try to push it down it gets worse. When it's at the worst I do what I refer to as 'spiraling' and I'm doing what I can to stop these moments in their tracks.
This my dears is why I'm writing today after a good few months of nothing. I'm needing a way to funnel out some of this energy that often gets built up in a good and productive outlet JUST for myself.
So until the undefined future I'm planning give myself at least a few minutes a day to blog. A daily task to clear my mind, start to put some piece together of myself that I'm lost over the years and to give my wife some peace.

until tomorrow.
let's all do better today <3

worry wart.

'don't worry, it will only make things worse'
Words that I wish I could follow. No matter how hard I try I will always worry. I think it's just the way I'm built. It's just the way my mind works. While I don't let the worry consume my entire world like I used to, it still happens daily.
I worry about the big things.
I worry about the little things.

At 4 a.m. I was up worrying for a while after getting Lo back to sleep. Not about her, but about the boy. Something I haven't felt the need to do in a while.
I think the poor kid ended up inheriting my 'worry gene'.
He does a great job masking this worry but yesterday I saw it start to bubble to the surface at the open house for his new school. Middle school. He shut down and refused to explain his silence for a while. Once he let it out I was reminded of himself at his age.
He worries that he is just different and worried how the kids will react.
oh man, I know those feelings he is dealing with. Something that I've personally fought with since I can remember and something I never wished for my kids to have to fight with.
I want to hold him and tell him that different is what makes him amazing.
It's those differences that I love about him. What sets him apart and makes him Ash.
Our boy would rather build a 1000 piece Lego set instead of playing hours of video games.
Our boy still enjoys a Disney or 80's movie night on the couch with us.
Our boy loves to camp, kayak, rock climb, and just be outside.
Our boy understands people and has more empathy than many adults I know.
Our boy is sensitive and cares so deeply about things that don't matter to most kids his age.

There's another side to this all with Ash. Many of the differences he has with other kids are because the choices Lindsey and I have made for him.
We're strict. I'm aware of this and make zero apologizes for it.


There are a lot rules in our house but we also have so much fun.
Sometimes I feel like our little family has created our own little world and I am very happy living in this little world. Then I feel like we have made it difficult for Ash.
Parenting is hard.
Parenting a kid that reminds me so much of myself makes it even harder.